


Finding Myself

by Birdie_Castellan



Category: Original Work
Genre: Just a bunch of thoughts I decided to bring to life, Monologue, Other, Poetry, Tags to be added, Trans Character, musings, stories, this is gonna be really random
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-03 20:51:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17291195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Birdie_Castellan/pseuds/Birdie_Castellan
Summary: Random writings of a curious person. Just me writing whatever I feel like.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly don't expect anyone to see this but I'm gonna post it anyways

Childhood is a difficult thing to define.

Does it end when your peers stop getting along and start forming groups, people bullying and people getting bullied? Does it end when you begin to realize how cruel and unfair the world can be?

Does it end when you leave high school? Does it end when you turn 18? What about 20?

Does it end when you fall in love? Does it end when you get married or have a baby?

Does it end when you move out? When you buy your first home? When you rent an apartment for the first time?

Does it end when you get a job? Does it end when you get your driver's licence?

Or do you go through life feeling odd because you're constantly doing something you've never done before?

Do you grow up to be a child in the body of an adult?

Does your childhood ever truely end? Or do we all go through life waiting for that moment to happen?

Are we all just children of a different age?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something a wrote a few months ago that's been sitting in my notes

It's hard, when you can't find the right words.  
When there's a thousand thoughts fighting for dominance, struggling to be heard over the others.   
It's difficult to breathe when you're drowning in your self-inflicted pain.   
You get stuck on that familiar loop, spiralling into the darkness, overthinking everything yet thinking of nothing.  
It's easy to get lost in the words that are not your own, yet haunt you as though they were.   
It's hard to express yourself when you don't know who you are anymore.   
And yet we carry on.   
We fight against our thoughts until we find the one we want.   
We inhale through grit teeth, knowing the pain will soon fade.   
We tell ourselves that we can not get stuck again, we have someone counting on us.   
We hear what others say, and walk with our chin up, knowing they are wrong.   
We take a look at the person in the mirror, and become ourselves again.   
The pain, the suffering, only lasts if we allow it to.   
Don't accept the pain as your lot in life, question it for all it's worth, and you'll find yourself in a better place.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A monologue disguised as a character study.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this in high school for a creative writing course. I like this piece a lot, it's one of my favourites, and the characters are my precious sons. I had to make a longer monologue to actually hand in, but I like this one more.

“Every time I saw him, I was reminded of how different he was, how much he’d changed since we were kids. His sandy blonde hair had been pulled neatly into a pony tail, the pink dress his mother had stuffed him in was splattered with mud from the small puddle he was crouched in front of, green eyes alight with mischief. He had been six years old at the time, and I was eight. But that was before the realization that he was male.   
Conner’s blonde locks had long since been lobbed off, preferring a shorter hairstyle of masculinity. He no longer wore dresses, opting instead for jeans and a black t-shirt to pair with his ever-present leather jacket. His pale skin, practically that of a porcelain doll’s, contrasted his form fitting shirt. He was short, but had broad shoulders from the horomones paired with the amount of time he spent working out. Seeing the smile he reserved for me light up his face every time we passed each other, his jade orbs glittering, would have me practically melting into a puddle. He’d been my neighbour for as long as I could remember, and I was the lucky person who got to grow up with him, and see him grow into himself. From shy tomboy Connie to the strong, vocal, courageous Conner I knew.  
Knew and loved.  
And you? You had the audacity to take him from me. You killed him, so now I get to return the favour.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments would be appreciated


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heartbreak sucks. I wrote this a few months back after a breakup.

Hopeless love be the death of me;  
I fall in love too easily  
Blind to the fact this ends in misery

Staring at the door,  
Laying on the floor,  
Wishing for what we had before.  
Knowing I can't say  
These things to your face  
But my heart will always have a place  
Where it loves you evermore.

 

Shattered fragments; I fall apart.  
Fresh wounds of a broken heart,  
Ugly pain bends to gorgeous art.

Laying on the floor,  
These emotions pour,  
Wishing you walk back through the door.  
Knowing I can't say  
Anything to your face,  
But my heart will always have a place  
Where it loves you evermore.


End file.
